Dystonia

My earlier pages was little story about what has happend... but here it is again.

(Sorry for my not so good written english, hopefully you will find the right meaning to these words)

"Back row to the left, a little to the side
Slightly out of the place
Look beyond the light, where you'd least expect
There's someone special..." - potf

Why tell this? Why heard about nursery or doctor student that they don´t know what is dystonia...
I have no reason to keep this information secret. If I think for my own healing the most best thing it´s talk and read about persons who has right attitude and can live with their pains - or more than leave that pain behind- heal. Perhaps it will also help others.
Shearing things can be part of healing process, I will give that information - also my pain and my
burden away - I will give them away while writing this. If you have samekind of pains or burdens you can give them away while reading this.

You probably have never hear of dystonia. There is many people who have dystonia but you just doesn´t see it. Working normally persons.
Dystonia is brains disorder why some muscles get spams or are working too active, wrong way moving bones wrong direction. There is also other symphtoms. My symtoms are mostly in my neckmuscles, right sight more. Head is going to be little lopsided, it is usual for those who has servical dystonia. There is many diffrent type of dystonia.

Because that muscle in my neck whitch is my main broblem, that muscle starts in my head and keep my head up is also straight connected to my right hand. My hand is working lower power than other and is unstable. This problems isn´t so bad on the other side. In bad days or periods I also have balance problem, if I moved my head I could sway while walking. There can also be eating problem, sometimes it is hard for me to chew or swallow or move both hands in the same time. It is something to do about that damage in my neckbone which this desease
have done, also those muscles can be so bad shape sometimes that blod wont perhaps run so good in my head. In bad days or periods pain could be so hard I would black out without pain killers.

There has been days I couldn´t move at all. It was before they make that diagnose. It took 8 years
to solve what was going on in my body. Diffrent doctors, specialist, fysioterapist, many years akupunktion, pictures for my bones, pictures in my head, sleeping researce, heart mittar... almost everything what could possibly help my pain and solve what it was. Finally they figure it out and now if you look really close it can bee seeing in my neckmuscles, that right (picture left) its going in wrong.

But... there is medicine. It has called botulin toxin, most powerful or dangerous nerv poison
upon earth. Fine, great, lovely... not.. but it can kill nervs and took away pain... so "I will took it".
It is poison and feels poison. For some persons, including me, it will be first really painfully. But then suddenly there is no pain. It has worked, I have took it many times in last few years... my head is almost straight again and posture has get back to normally. It could stop that muscle
damagine my neckbones more. It is possibly that botox will help me so much that I don´t have to take it anymore, it is also possible that I can come immune to that.
But the best thing about... it is possible to heal. It is possible that this desease will stop. There is little prosent who has cure on that dystonia.
Last spring it was me. There was eight months, usually medicine works two months, when I was feeling no pain and almost any symptoms. I was so focused about myself and healing process that it was possible. My closest ones was so sure it could be possible, that there will be day when I will stand straight again.
I started to believe about mental healing, read many books and do meditation many years. It helped. Unfortunately I wasn´t able to fall in love, I wasn´t able to deal with those emotion circus and also keep my balance.
I have to start again. Perhaps it was ment to be, see those face of my pain once again?
Know one can´t now where this desease is going but I have deside I know where I am going,
or I have really good plans, and I will leave this pain somewhere. I will leave it to these words,
I will leave it some places, I will leave it for my tears and my laughs. I will let go of it.
I need to find balance even those emotional circus. That is mental healing process but I think
that also medicine will do it´s best.

We have border terrier before. It was my onest friend and also strong dog. He was ficually search and rescue dog, there was many times when others dosn´t believe in him but when seeing him searchin persons realaised that big point is how skillful dog is for mentally, I also compete in agility with him in hig level. Later that dog get ill, then I heard that he was deaf - but also came more ill later. One really skillfull animal doctor then did big thing and operate his both ears, to give him many years more, he lived happy home doglife after that. If I had know about his deaf earlier I would be probably understand to communicate with him better. Also seeing that little terrier could be so tough impress me. If dog can survive something like that I can also survive with my desease. I continue trialling with border collies..
Dogs and other animals can be really therapy. I have now in school again, I´ve done many years sheepworks I want to do something else also. I´m studying animal training, dog training. Even I have studied that my hole life and in one school before that, and work with sheepdogs and accistance dogs, I want to study again.
I have plans and I need to learn and focus more. I want to understand dogs more.

What it is when dog has pain? How will it appear to its behaving? If there is problems, if there is
dogs that we don´t understand what is behind that? Are we able to solve dog problems?
I don´t meen that we should cure every sick dog but in some cases problems could and can be solved. And problem is not always dogs healthy, it could be enviroments healty.
When human has pain it is hard. It will appear to everything surround him. It will also appears to the whole enviroment. It will appear attitudes and image.  

There is group of those who has strike on me when I have been in bad shape. Many speakers and many negative opinion about me. Lot of misunderstanding. I wont base on that.
There is more stronger group of those people who knows how to handle life, even then when
its surrounded by pain. There is something more than mean words or behaving.
There is support, friends and love. Dogs can be also everything that, there is group who
has found something powerful about dogs. It is something about how they take this life,
something about happines and tail waggins :)

In my future work I want to give that dogpower to sick persons, those who hasn´t be able to found that by themselves. I also want to solve dog problems and train sheepdogs. I want to be able to whistle 15minutes or 1 our or as long as it is needed with sheepdogwhistle while dog herding sheep and doing everything I ask, even if it would be really hard to reach. I know if I am able to do these things I am also able to do harmony with my desease.

Last few weeks for me and my family, friends and many support persons... have been big, I have found more attitude. I have found it for someone who has believed and make his dreams come true. More I find out about persons like that I will trust my own scills, and also those who I have tryed to help. I fall, but someone catch me and give also me a really big proof to continue, keep on going. Hopefully some day I could help someone for doing that same, perhaps I have already done that.Thankyou for those who has stand by me and be there for me, if there is some power in these words and you find yourself in these, it will do same positive thing for you than you has done for me. Thankyou.

- Jenni